thus making me awesome and them whores
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
