they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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