Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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