what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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