saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
