I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
