True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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