hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
