Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
