I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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