I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
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He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
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I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD