I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.