Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?