It's like God shit irony all over that family
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
