I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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