So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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