grandma shit on top of the toilet
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
