we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
