maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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