90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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