Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
