You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
