I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
