Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
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He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
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Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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