Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
