Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
