when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize