You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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