Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
