we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
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we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
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I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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