i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
