my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
