if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
