His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
