my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
