as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
