Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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