I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
