____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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