Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Of course I have a pirate flag
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
