I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
