just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
