Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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