I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I need to stop coming to work sober
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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