I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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