Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
