He is such a slut. More and more my type.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
