I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
