Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
