I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
