i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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