It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
