Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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